Big's Big Day

     Zelda gazed into the crystal ball. She was… perplexed. 

Sahasrahla’s words echoed in her mind. “Zelda my dear,” he had said, “you are like forty million years old or something now. It is time for you to know the secret of the Eye of the Sheikah.” Her memory may have been somewhat fuzzy. But going between dimensions through the Eye had given her mad ADHD. Hardly any thought had real consequence. 

“I only wear coats made of hats,” she said to herself, exploring the notion sardonically. “You ask me if I was a lizardman, but what if I don’t even believe in lizards, man?” She didn’t have time to mock whatever forces had driven her to this absurd place, where this was supposed to be the salvation of her kingdom that had turned to so much ash. But she didn’t have the willpower not to. 

And besides, those forces were clearly mocking her.

Colors danced upon the vaulted ceiling, made of finely mortared bricks that were as smooth to the touch as river pebbles, with tall, elaborate stained glass windows depicting the secrets of the sacred realm. Cascades of electric blue, garish pink and purple danced all around her, emanating from the crystal Eye.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind, Link sat, dead, upon a throne. Well, dead enough anyway. “Well, actually, either too dead, or not dead enough,” she corrected herself. If he were dead-dead then that would be dead enough. 

She really didn’t want to think about the possibility that he was zero degrees of dead. Because that would mean…

Her mind came back to the Eye. “No,” she said, her mind registering what she was seeing once more. They didn’t really have a word for it in Hylian, but she found the feeling that said, “Fuck you.”

And although she was thinking of Sahasrahla, the feeling wasn’t directed at him. 

She wasn’t sure if it was directed at the gods. Or reality itself.

But it was definitely directed at the little blue, spiky haired creature wearing red shoes, and saying, “Chili dogs for lunch today! Man we’re so lucky!”

Zelda stared like a bull that couldn’t decide if it wanted to attack a red cape or kill everything that had ever lived. 

“Ewwww, Big’s got a boner!” she heard, to a chorus of laughter.

The little blue creature had gone up to a hulking purple thing with large ears and was waving the chili dog around at his waist.

Hyrule had been burned to the ground. Ganon was dead, or obliterated in some transdimensional realm into which he was hurtled by the ultimate weapon Link had found in the Sacred Realm. And Link, who seemed to have died before her as it happened, now sat, laughing, upon a throne, over all the chaos.

And Zelda’s mind was fragmenting into so many planes she was having trouble being certain that any of this was actually happening.

The Eye of the Sheikah played within the cathedral of her mind, as much as it did upon the walls that surrounded her. 

“Ewwww!” a voice cried out. In the miasma of the way in which she was becoming dissipated into multiple realities, it anchored her. It felt like she had made the sound herself; it was only the faintest familiarity, but it was real to her.

“Oh my God, Big!” the voice cried out. “My eye!” And again, Zelda felt the same indignation. In her world, Hyrule had been ransacked, and the power of her sight had been attacked, and mocked.

She felt the heaving bosom of the young girl, tumultuous with the feelings of an adolescence in a world that could be wholly consumed in superficialities. And she felt her anger, as she wiped a salty, white concoction off of her face.

“Cum again?” asked Sonic, his hand greasy with the mayonnaise packet he’d just squeezed to bursting from the chili dog tip.

“I said… Oh, fuck you, Sonic!” cried Rouge, interrupted by a loud “Squeeek!” as she ran into something soft and short, that she followed, herself, with an emphatic, “Oh fuck!” as she careened into an open locker.

Zelda hated to admit it, but she could feel the devastation of the Kingdom of Hyrule echoed in the moment and the feelings that she witnessed, as time seemed to come to a standstill and all of the traffic of the students in the hallway slowed to watch what was happening. A typhoon reduced to a ripple in a distant pond; like an obscene mirror. And she’d learned the word that echoed the feeling she’d had. “Fuck.”

A sense of purpose was beginning to form in her mind; and resignation in her heart. Whatever was happening, it did have to do with these creatures. “Fuck,” she said again. The word named a darkness in which she felt somewhat at home, and she was grateful for it… even as something indescribable about that scared her.

“Get out of my locker,” a sardonic voice drawled over Rouge. A blue fox, with big eyes and an expression that said she could care less if the expression was ‘couldn’t care less,’ looked down on her judgmentally.

Rouge had thought so many times about smashing clams with Krystal. And suddenly Zelda realized why the bat was the one in whom she recognized her own voice, distorted through a cosmic prism that veiled reality in ways too mysterious for her mind to fathom.

“I mean, what a nightmare this is,” Zelda muttered to herself. And as her heart became attuned to everyone the Eye of the Sheikah tapped her into, she felt their horniness coursing through her body. 

But she felt something else, too. She saw something, familiar and terrifying.

Two bright, yellow, circular eyes, looking at her from within the darkness, set in almond shaped designs, upon the surface of a mask shaped like a heart, ringed with yellow spikes. 

Its darkness lurked, coiled like a snake between the waters that formed the world from the Néant – the emptiness.

She knew what it was. It was the essence of sexuality.

The mask cackled at her, with a voice that seemed to belong as much to it as it did to…

“Link,” she said. “How did you…”

In the swirl in her mind, she understood both that she had seen him, but he hadn’t yet seen her… and that the mask… Majora… smiled.

Zelda thought that an automaton had taken root in him. She thought that some dark force had won him over. But when she saw Majora, she realized…

All it had done was awaken.

Sonic grimaced. Big had taken the chili dog and shoved it down his pants and was mashing it against his dick and moaning.